In the eyes of an angel, true beauty is not skin deep true beauty glows from within O/ones heart. It's time I opened my eyes and saw my own self worth .....*smiles

A Jumbled Up Mind.....

I have lived a constant battle with obesity ever since I can remember. I was always the fat kid and my dad's nickname for me was "chubs".

*Sighs...

Not every aspect of my life was so terrible unfortunately just the things that I think about on a recurring basis make me sad from within. Deeply sad. I feel like my soul is dying inside..... crying, weeping, screaming silent screams for help, wanting to get out to be free, free from sadness.

Funny thing is I believed.....wanted to believe that I was no longer this sad. I was sad before, before I had my gastric bypass surgery. Fact wise I understand I have come along way as far as my health goes but I still feel like a prisoner to my weight, body, size image. The whole thing disgusts me. I can't imagine anyone loving me, wanting to touch me or even finding me attractive, wanting to spend time with me to get to know me.

So I had to prove a theory to myself and I went through the phone party lines and people I only found online. The phone partylines.... my understanding of them came to be if your looking for sex, no strings attached, this was a place where anyone could get sex and sexual favors. I'd call late @ night while my stepdad was sleeping and my Mom was at work. Find a guy who was willing to come over and if he wanted let him do whatever he wanted me to do or wanted to do sexually to me. At first it felt wonderful just that knowing that I'm not so different than anyone else. (I'd had the perception in my head not just pertaining to sex but even to everyday things and activites that people don't think twice about... that because I was fat/obese I can't do that or I shouldn't do that or desire that because of how I looked. These same self perceptions almost killed me back in June 2002. And now I find myself still thinking like this. I know logically that my thoughts and beliefs are totally insane. There are lots of people in todays society that aren't societies perfect image of what we should be and they all have lives, families, jobs, etc.... ) After sex or the sexual favor performed they'd get dressed and leave. Leaving me empty inside and alone once again. This time thinking I'm no better than a cheap whore and/or slut. Every time I'd get lonely, I'd call talk to someone and invite them over.

This continued for some time I can't recall what these guys looked like and if they told me their names I can't recall that either. Don't get me wrong I enjoyed the sex and being able to perform the sexual favors required of me to. When I came online and discovered the internet it was a whole new playground for me. I was beginning to feel like a nympho maniac. I never met with people that I talked to in the same chat rooms. I just couldn't see myself getting involved with someone I spoke to as a friend. That would be too personal for me not to mention the repercussions of something like that almost always going wrong adding to the chat drama. No Thanks.

It validated yet something else I could do that I'd always believed I couldn't. A lot like the time when I lived with my Aunt and when they weren't home to get inside I got the nerve to climb up a ladder to my rotted patio balcony on the second storey to get inside. The first time I did that, the thrill inside me and happiness that I felt when I realized ... "Hey I can do this..... Cool!" was unforgettable. I will never forget that I can do that. *Smiles I looked forward to the times when I was home alone so I could climb up to my bedroom patio to get inside.

A small victory for me. I could use more small victories to prove to myself what I am capable of.

A special thanks to all the special people out there who've shared their amazing gift of friendship and love with me. Your gift is close inside my heart always reminding me that there are people who care. *Smiles